Friday, October 30, 2009

Miss You, Bro

I’m quite certain that I shouldn’t post this, but I’m going to for reasons… well… because I’m an idiot, I guess. 

I’ve been missing my brother this week.  Let’s back up… my dad died when I was 16.  I carry some guilt with that.  I skipped school that day and found my dad in what I assume now was cardiac arrest.  I panicked and didn’t react how I should have.  He died that day.  Perhaps if I had reacted differently he would have lived longer, but he was drinking himself into the grave anyway.  He’s in an urn on our bookcase now. 

My brother died a few years ago.  He and I were the only offspring of our parents.  He was my older brother by 4 years.  He died when his heart exploded after a cocaine overdose.  Despite his failings, I loved him.  He taught me so much.  I passed a milestone a while back when I had passed the age that he never reached.  In one day I became the elder brother of my older brother. 

Ever since he died, I have committed myself to doing something original on the date of his death, May 1st - May Day - ironic if you knew him.  One year I went sky diving.  One year I got a tattoo.  My commitment is not to do something outlandish, but to do something I’ve never done before… no matter how small. 

These last few weeks for reasons I can’t identify, I’ve been really missing my brother.  I’m careening through life without a father or big brother to look to.  It’s lonely. 

Anyway… I’ll stop rambling.  FIDO.

(10) Comments
Posted by Owen at 2119 hrs
Off-Duty

  1. I feel the same way about my Dad. So much that sometimes it rips me up. Even after all these years, sometimes, it’s still only yeasterday.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on October 30, 2009 at 2349 hrs


  2. My mom died over 20 years ago. I still think about her every day.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on October 31, 2009 at 0011 hrs


  3. Owen, writing a post about missing your father and brother is hardly idiotic; it’s a natural expression of your emotions.  Fortunately, you have the ability and the means to express your thoughts on your blog.

    I lost my parents when I was much younger as well; my mom passed away 31 years ago, my dad 19 years ago.  A day does not go by when I don’t think about them and often wonder how different things would be if I had the benefit of their wisdom today.  Yet, I usually reach the conclusion that they had already passed onto me the foundation to deal with life as it challenges me.  I just needed to look a little deeper within myself to find the answers.

    I also learned through the aid of grief counseling that I had to put away any feelings of guilt; guilt about what I should have done differently to assist my parents (particularly my dad) as well as the guilt for being angry at them for dying.  Playing and replaying the mind game of “should-of-would-of-could-of” was an “all day sucker” for me.  This feeling of careening through life is just a phase and hopefully will pass quickly for you.  And you’ll probably learn more about yourself.  Hang in there.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on October 31, 2009 at 0743 hrs


  4. Thanks Owen. I do hope the day gets easier.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on October 31, 2009 at 0805 hrs


  5. Never easy to vulnerable, but sometimes it cleanses the heart.  Peace to you.

    Posted by yoSAMite on October 31, 2009 at 1146 hrs


  6. Hmmm. No brother at all, my dad died when i was 20. Before he died, before he was even sick, he did one thing that has stuck with me to this day. Laker’s comment reminded me (again) of this. He took a trip out to Madison, where I was a freshman, with one simple and clear message: “I have raised you. I am done. I think I did a pretty good job. Now I only love you. I may not agree with everything you do from here on out, but I will always love you. You are OK with me.” I cannot overstate how important that night has been to me as I’ve attempted to avoid the careening sensation off and on throughout the years.

    I know the feeling of the landmark. In five years I will be older than my father (and his father) was when he died. I think about that often.  I am glad my oldest son (now aged 23) still has his father later in life than I or my father did.

    You’ve done your father and your brother a good turn by remembering them with love in this public forum. We all have warts, and we’re lucky people love us despite them.  Thanks for the reminder.

    Posted by Mike on October 31, 2009 at 1358 hrs


  7. I really appreciate you sharing this kind of stuff with readers, Owen.  Maybe having some losses in life makes the good things sweeter.  Sometimes it seems that way, at least.

    Posted by scott on October 31, 2009 at 2308 hrs


  8. Sometimes it isn’t the length of the life, but the passion put into it.  Their stay in your life was far too short, but oviously they are still a part of you.  And if you are any reflection, there was a lot of good in those two men, despite their failings.  May God grant you peace, and may their memories stay fresh, when you call upon them. 

    Thanks for sharing, that couldn’t have been easy to write.

    God bless my friend,

    Curt

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on November 02, 2009 at 0319 hrs


  9. I couldn’t help to think that you’re fortunate they are worth missing.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on November 02, 2009 at 0614 hrs


  10. I really appreciate you sharing this kind of stuff with readers, Owen.  Maybe having some losses in life makes the good things sweeter.  Sometimes it seems that way, at least…..read more

    Posted by Counselor on November 25, 2009 at 0303 hrs


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