Letter From Disgruntled Maxi User

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of G-d, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to takemy maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always. . .

Best,
[Name Witheld]
Austin , TX

Hat tip The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.

1. Somebody with even more time on their hands than people who read and comment on blogs.

   PS - and I’m glad I’m not married to her!

   Posted by on May 29, 2008 at 0905 hrs




2. Please tell me why this is important??

   Posted by on May 29, 2008 at 0923 hrs




3. It’s not.  It’s funny.  Does everything written here have to be important?

   Posted by Owen on May 29, 2008 at 0934 hrs




4. Once again, proud to be from Austin.

   Posted by on May 29, 2008 at 1033 hrs




5. I’m never going to look at an F-16 Fighting Falcon without chuckling after reading this.

   Posted by on May 29, 2008 at 1349 hrs




6. ‘Have a Happy Period.’

   “Are you f—— kidding me?”

   That was pretty much my response to the commercials. Positive thinking has its benefits and uses, and this isn’t one of them. “[I]in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,” indeed.

   You guys are such sissies.

   Posted by tee bee on May 30, 2008 at 1523 hrs




7. Ah come on tee bee, you cant still be menstruating at 167 years old.  If you are you should get ahold of the guinness world records people..

   Posted by on May 30, 2008 at 1644 hrs




8. Been through many a painful menstrual period.  I didn’t know that an organ roughly the size of a small pear could make for such pain.  Yeah, I know when I’m going to start, and when my hormones seem to do my thinking...but I suck it up, take some Advil (or a shot of whiskey), and get on with my day.  I once remember a TV commercial for either tampons or sanitary napkins, where a group of women were talking about them over cocktails.  I thought ‘Wow, if that’s the most scintillating thing you gals can talk about, then I don’t want to be in the conversation.’

   Thanks for the laughs Owen!

   Posted by on May 30, 2008 at 2041 hrs