Tuesday, December 29, 2009

First Hand Account

In Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s own words, via Iowahawk. 

Lemme ask you: have you ever tried to inject a glycerin detonator syringe into some plastic explosives glued under your nutsack, while you were stoned out of your gourd, in an airplane bathroom, during Lake Erie turbulence, while some stupid hippie is pounding on the door? Take my word for this, it. is. a. mofo. I must have stabbed myself in the junk eight or ten times before I finally got it smoldering. So I stroll out of the loo, real casual-like, with my nuts on fire, and headed back to my seat to blow out the fuselage.

But then, get this: some friggin’ Dutch dude jumps out of his seat and tackles me right in the aisle, completely ignoring the “fasten seatbelts” sign! Typical pushy Eurotrash. And then the flight attendant comes running up, and instead of enforcing the damn rules starts blasting me with the fire extinguisher, which means my nards go from flame broiled to freeze dried in about 3 seconds flat. To top it all off? While I was laying there a stupid hippie baby throws up all over my head.

Good thing I was wasted on those relaxants, because I don’t remember too much until we were at the gate at Detroit International. When I came to, I was handcuffed, surrounded by cops and bomb sniffing dogs. Amid all the hysterical hippies I felt a strange sensation and heard a soft klink. -Yep, you guessed it. My freeze dried bar-b-cued junk had just fallen off. Before I could locate it, one of the bomb sniffing dog snarfed it up like a frozen snausage. A damn lot of good those 72 virgins are going to do me now. At least I got to get off the plane before everybody else, and I didn’t have to wait in line at customs. Plus I’m getting comped a hospital room, even if the chow here is even shittier than airline food.

(1) Comments
Posted by Owen at 2136 hrs
Off-Duty

  1. This is tooooo funny.  I’m sitting here at work reading this laughing out loud (and I’m supposed to be working!!!)  Sad part is this is probably almost true - almost how it happened.  I’ve got to copy and send this to a few folks to make them smile today.

    Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on December 30, 2009 at 1113 hrs


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