Miss You, Bro

I’m quite certain that I shouldn’t post this, but I’m going to for reasons… well… because I’m an idiot, I guess. 

I’ve been missing my brother this week.  Let’s back up… my dad died when I was 16.  I carry some guilt with that.  I skipped school that day and found my dad in what I assume now was cardiac arrest.  I panicked and didn’t react how I should have.  He died that day.  Perhaps if I had reacted differently he would have lived longer, but he was drinking himself into the grave anyway.  He’s in an urn on our bookcase now. 

My brother died a few years ago.  He and I were the only offspring of our parents.  He was my older brother by 4 years.  He died when his heart exploded after a cocaine overdose.  Despite his failings, I loved him.  He taught me so much.  I passed a milestone a while back when I had passed the age that he never reached.  In one day I became the elder brother of my older brother. 

Ever since he died, I have committed myself to doing something original on the date of his death, May 1st - May Day - ironic if you knew him.  One year I went sky diving.  One year I got a tattoo.  My commitment is not to do something outlandish, but to do something I’ve never done before… no matter how small. 

These last few weeks for reasons I can’t identify, I’ve been really missing my brother.  I’m careening through life without a father or big brother to look to.  It’s lonely. 

Anyway… I’ll stop rambling.  FIDO.