How to Keep the Fire Burnin’

Moron Pundit explains how he keeps the romance alive in his marriage. 

Yes, dear readers, it’s true: Maintaining some semblance of sexual activity in your marriage requires you to deploy the same kinds of nasty tactics you swore you would never stoop to as a parent but nonetheless found yourself using the minute you actually had a kid. Bribery and beating work; so do yelling and bullying. Threats are also effective, as long as everyone knows you mean business (a convenient ‘fall down the stairs’ always works). With wives, throwing things, pushing her around and body blows are particularly useful, as is telling her you only do it because you love her after the aforementioned.

… When my wife has lingered too long over her Cosmo magazine and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the three weeks we’ve gone without sex, I slap it out of her hand and let her know what’s going to happen. “A husband has a right to sex,” I say in a tone of voice that brooks no equivocation. She may struggle and squirm, but the job gets done. It’s okay that I have to do most of the work.